Jim is a gamer. He wouldn’t say he’s hardcore, because he doesn’t believe in elitism, but he’s an avid enough player that he’s never out of touch in discussion circles. Now, Jim’s never been too aligned when it comes to console wars. He’s done the Sega thing, sampled and loved Sony products, gotten down and dirty with the Big N, and most recently has been known to get biz-ay with Microsoft. So it’s safe to assume that Jim pledges allegiance to no one. He’s all about the experience.
Well, that’s what Jim would like people to believe, anyway. The truth is, even though a vast many of systems and games have been tried under his belt, Jimmy-boy has always kept a soft spot for the underdog. Do we really have to guess what system Jim is supporting next round, then? Need a hint? It starts with “R” and ends in “mother fucking evolution.” No, not Rmotherfuckingevolution, that’s just a way to add some ZOOM and POP to this piece; I’m talkin’ bout that Revolution.
Jim’s seen the videos for games like Elder Scrolls IV: You’re Going To Spend A Lot Of Time Walking and Metal Gear Solid 4: Convoluted Storylines Director’s Cut. And he’s impressed, you better believe it – he’s even a tad jealous since he knows that the consoles that these games will be appearing on won’t be his initial choice. No, with Nintendo keeping quiet and NDAs keeping development houses more silent than the aftermath of a drunken evening with a gender-bender, Jim doesn’t even know what the visual power of the Revolution will be; people say it’ll be under-powered, but Jim would like to believe it won’t be too noticeable.
So why does Jim stick with Nintendo? Who knows, maybe it’s Zelda, maybe it’s the innovation. It could very well be the price point, but not even that has been leaked yet. So our hero of shoulder buttons and C-Sticks sits with desiring eyes, wondering when it’ll be his turn to see something truly incredible. He’s seen the controller – he thinks it’s nice, but he doesn’t care too much what the interface is. He wants to see the games, damnit! “Lift the curtain,” he cries, “Show me the magic!”
But nothing appears, sadly. All that Jim gets is a cryptic answer from a Japanese guy who hangs out with monkeys and plumbers or an evasive “see you next time” answer from a man with bad teeth and a special place in his heart for Kirby. Even when Mr. Bravado gets Jim all worked up, the poor gamer suffers later on when nothing is delivered. Instead, he’s kicked in the nuts while Monkey-Man plays Nintendogs and hits on blonde women half his age.
Somehow, even with all of their shortcomings, Jim can’t break loose of the Nintendo leash. He yearns to sail across vast oceans; he pines to guide a gorilla through a jungle with a pair of bongos; he’s even played turn-based strategy games and loved it. Like a battered wife who can’t let go, Jim will always return, no matter how badly it hurt when Bad-Teeth hit him with a two-by-four.
Jim’s a conflicted person, most definitely. He wants a varied experience and a plethora of dark, moody titles. Yet he can’t imagine it in any other place other than a purple cube or a tiny box controlled by a DVD remote. So what kind of options does our currency-deprived protagonist have? Will he be doomed to forever be let down or will he finally get the console he’s deserved for so many years?
In the words of Jim, “It’s time to put up or fucking shut up, Nintendo…”
“No wait, baby! I didn’t mean it! Take me back!”
Take me back…